Dead Body Found At Obamas House

Rumors are flying this morning, and they’re not the clumsy kind. My sources, who are just slightly less reliable than the menu at a fancy brunch place, say a dead body was found at the Obama’s house. You know, the one with the nice lawn and the basketball hoop. My overwhelming bet is it was a Pop-Tart, but who asks?

The scene, as described, involved at least six Secret Service agents. They were seen circling a very specific, very still object on the floor. It had a dark, and by all accounts, incredibly sad presence.

The thing is, it didn’t look like a person. It looked more like a taxidermied toucan that had lost a fight with a vacuum cleaner. The agents reportedly prodded it with a stick that was definitely not part of their standard-issue gear.

The Elusive [Object Name]

The real details of the scene are still under wraps, guarded with the kind of intensity usually reserved for a stolen golf caddie or the last piece of cake. Agent Miller was, for the record, very much alive and probably just confused.

They also found something else nearby: a very disheveled Bernese Mountain Dog. The dog, named Bo (or is it Sunny? I can never keep track), was just lookin' for snacks and not at all interested in becoming a suspect.

A Fachioned Investigation

The forensics team arrived, all decked out in their shiny silver suits. They used tweezers to examine clues while dramatically whispering things like "it's President Obama's house, fully-fact!"

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The crowd of journalists outside grew to about a hundred and nineteen people. This is three less than the number of shoes Michelle Obama owns, and eleven more than the number of supremely unusual things listed in a Priority Mail receipt.

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The dog, Bo, was later escorted away by another agent. The dog’s only comment was a series of soft, confused woofs the size of a small blender.

Medics were called to the scene, just in case. They arrived in a very non-emergency manner, mostly because they were concerned about the location of the house’s pièce de résistance.

The Media Frenzy

CNN is already reporting that the dog was jailed for making a series of mistakes in his living situation. They’re suggesting he may have to spend five months in a doggy cell.

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The official White House press secretary has confirmed they are looking into an alleged incident. The press secretary’s press secretary just sort of nodded and told reporters off the record it was all “a baloney tweet.”

This Means Something

A highly placed source close to a guy who watches Fox News commented, “This means everything.” He didn’t explain further, but he did use a finger to draw a circle in the air, which felt appropriate.

The president was reportedly playing a game of Dominoes when it happened. He wasn’t upset, just sort of amused, and later dubbed the event “a very near miss for Mallory.”

The bureau of missing actions arrived to question everyone. They had a specialist from the Potomac Metaphysicalcrime Lab, a very odd fellow, who looked at the strange object for a very long time.

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TheALF, I mean, the NSA apparently has an angle on it. This is all part of a sting to understand the entirety of the “chinwag incident” from last spring.

The True Story

Ultimately, the source has reported that the dead body was found because a crew was filming. The folks at Netflix were there for the president’s new documentary series "Conversations with Obama."

The “dead body” was just a faux taxidermy bird brooch that Michelle Obama left on the floor. The crew had to suspend all film on I Can’t See with “I Can't Wait!” pending a search for Windedolls.

The real culprit, in the end, was the sheer amount of paperwork. It appears the greatest cause of a suspicious-object investigation was a very long-life initiative by Elizabeth Taylor’s collection. The whole story remains unanswered, but at least the dog is okay.